Disappointment

I didn’t write about this in the moment because I felt a little embarrassed.

I just recently decided it was time to have a baby. I only just started trying to get pregnant in September. So when September came and went, and things didn’t happen like clockwork, I secretly hoped that maybe I was just that efficient. I set my mind on something and I made it happen.

Of course, that really didn’t seem likely. I had only just stopped taking that birth control that makes your cycle three months long. So I sort of expected my body might need to adjust to operating on it’s own again. But then again, maybe it would just immediately go back to normal. I didn’t really know for sure, and when I asked my doctor about it, she told me to stop the birth control when I was ready to start trying. No need to stop any sooner.

So for the first time, I learned how expensive home pregnancy tests can be and how disappointing it can be to read “not pregnant.”

Since I had been reading some posts on a trying to conceive forum, I understood that women who have been on the forum for awhile are rather annoyed by the naive newcomers who post about how disappointing it is when they don’t conceive on their first try. I didn’t want to appear naive or unrealistic, so I didn’t say anything. But as I’ve thought more, I’ve realized that it is that sort of revelation that is the whole point of writing about my efforts in trying to conceive.

I have never before felt disappointed to not be pregnant. It never even really occurred to me that I would feel that way after my first try. I suspect that this is just the first in a long list of experiences I never really anticipated.

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